The Lesson I Kept Failing to Learn
I have heard that you keep failing unless the lesson is learned.
I believe life has been trying to teach me a lesson for a pretty long time now.
I sadly ignored it.
I always waited to be the best version of me. I plan a lott. I have crazy good ideas in my head.
And I do work on them. But the very first failure or a few failures make me question my identity.
I have been an achiever all along, so even the thought of not getting something I want right feels scary.
Honestly, that’s why a lot of series I start don’t show up on my blog because I discard their I don’t find this good enough versions.
I did work on everything I mentioned so far, but I never felt it was all good enough to be shared.
That’s why silence and then something new.
But that’s still better because at least I worked.
These days, I am not really working like I am working, but I am not.
I am too scared to fail. Placements are right on the verge of arrival.
And I am scared. What if I don’t get what I want?
I want to be honest with myself if I keep thinking that I surely won’t get anything.
I just want to break this, and the best way to correct yourself is to know that you are wrong.
Let me say(of course, write) this out loud:
“Whether I get placed or not, whether I do get the dream role, the dream company or not, I am still a good engineer, and that was the goal. It can never diminish my value as a human or as an engineer. Outcomes don’t define my worth”
And this season, getting my dream placements won’t be my achievement. Getting myself to a point where I live by the lines I said out loud is.
Hereby, I commit to being the best version of me, who isn’t supposed to get all kills on LeetCode weekly but the one who doesn’t stop showing up even after 2/4 straight for weeks.
[I won’t complain until I have the patience to sit and think well for at least 7 90-minute virtual contests for the next 7 days]
I promise to be consistent, real, and curious, and never worry.
No matter what I have achieved in my life, I have never been my best version. I never checked all my boxes, and that’s fine.
I don’t know, and I don’t want to know where I stand on other people’s timelines.
I know that I am perfect on mine. I’ll just give my best, that’s it.
I’ll come back to it when I get placed and will tell you what gave me this.
[I am sure it won’t be overthinking]
